My journey to transformation.

#lifecoaching #mindset #success #transformation #emotions #assertive #assertiveness #communication #confidence #power #powerful

Everyone’s journey through coaching is different. My journey has started through self-discovery, self-awareness and realisation of my blind spots. I thought I knew what my personal boundaries are, so it should be clear then what I was doing wrong. I have been proved otherwise just to learn what a missing puzzle was.

As Dr Wayne Dyer said: “You get treated in life the way you teach people to treat you”.

Personal boundaries

There was a certain person in my life that was violating my personal boundaries every time I was about to phrase my opinion or come up with an idea. I did not like to see her rolling eyes, hear her arrogant tone of voice while she was criticizing me simultaneously, cutting me off in the middle of the conversation. I have not said anything about her nasty behaviour as if I had accepted what she wanted without expressing how I felt. In this situation, I had a feeling that our conversation has triggered in me unhealthy emotions such as anger, blame or disappointment. I thought that if I express my negative feelings it might cause an argument between us and that was what I wanted to avoid. At the end of the day, we were friends, and you do not hurt your friend’s feelings, do you?

I have always paid great attention to the message people convey through their words yet I have decided to assign a priority to the tone of voice as it just can’t lie how the person really feels and what they think. Therefore, when I heard this harsh tone of voice behind the message my mind registered something in this manner:

You are utter nonsense and you would better stop!

Parent, adult and child ego states

I had a feeling of judgement therefore, all of my enthusiasm vanished away and everything seemed less valuable than before. This situation could be compared to a relationship between a strict parent who is threatening to her child to comply, in this way the child adopts to a certain situation. In Transactional Analysis, Eric Berne describes the interaction between people based on life script model. He explains a dynamic between parent, adult and child as ego states that are part of our personalities. This means that we use different ego states on a daily basis depending on body posture, tone of voice and gestures we use, how we feel, what words we convey, and what behaviour we exhibit. If you want to find out more about the life script model I recommend a book by Eric Berne “Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. A systemic individual and social psychiatry”.

I was wondering why I could not simply respond in this way:

Can you stop doing this, please?

Constructive communication

It was easier said than done. I would rather enjoy the silence than create conflict. During my coaching session, I have learnt that it was my coping mechanism which I developed as a child to answer back to anyone in the past, so to avoid any conflicts I chose silence. That strategy did not serve me at all as I wanted to speak up but I was afraid of my reaction. My coach has shed light on the opportunity to respond in a manner that will not create a conflict.

It had dawned on me that I could have been more assertive and firm in my stand. I have also learnt how to communicate constructively my feelings. Based on Marshall Rosenberg "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" if you want to communicate effectively here is a simple formula

I (emotions) when (observation) because (needs, desires, values, expectations, thoughts connected to the feelings)

I felt angry when you cut me off in the middle of the conversation because I wanted to share something that bothered me. Would you be willing to listen to what I am saying?

Assertiveness

The idea of being more assertive and communicate in a respectful manner about my feelings were my ‘aha’ moments. I was wondering what a friend of mine would say if I came from a place of assertiveness. She might have not been aware of her behaviour, or she might have had a bad day. There was no risk in trying my new assertive approach, there could be a great payoff for me.

Awareness

I also gained awareness that I was part of the game by allowing it to happen and not saying anything. I did not like that game and I did not want to play any games. My awareness came to play once I had stopped participating in the game. Another lesson was to acknowledge the moment when I was overwhelmed by my emotions, Next time I would step back, look at the situation from a rational self and ask myself these questions:

How am I feeling?

What is happening here?

What made me upset

Emotional triggers

Emotions come and go. We are not our emotions. Emotions always come first and what we feel is us. It is very important to identify your emotional triggers. Ask yourself these questions:

Who has triggered you?

What was happening before you were being triggered?

Note this down in your journal, you are your self- awareness.

TAKE HOME MESSAGE

My three takeaways from this experience were:

1. be assertive but speak in a respectful way,

2. breathe and look at the things from a different perspective,

3. address your emotional triggers so you know for the future what to do

I had gained clarity, a sense of power to step up and speak out as well as maintain self- control. Due to regular coaching conversations, you will bring profound improvement in different areas of your life.

As Tom Landry said: "A coach is someone who tells you what you don't want to hear, who has you see what you don't want to see so that you can be who you have always known you could be "

if you would like to find your personal power and erase the negative emotions that are holding you back from living a life that you have always wanted then I would love to hear from you!

Get in touch with me by email

agnieszka.coaching@yahoo.com

Book a coaching session with me

07941579866

Leave a comment I would love to hear your thoughts

References:

Berne, E. (2016) Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. A systematic individual and social psychiatry. Pickle Partners Publishing. The United States of America.

Rosenberg, M. (2015) Nonviolent Communication. A language of life. PuddleDancer Press. The United States of America.